Work or stay-at-home?
Jul 24th, 2007 by Yue
Three months ago I went to a baby shower for one of my friends. I had a great time, and am so happy for her (its her third child).
But I’ve been bothered to this day by some of the comments made at the party. Most of the women at the party had good careers, but left them to have children and become stay at home moms. They are all lucky to have husbands with good jobs, so economically they can afford to stay home.
As you’d expect when a bunch of married women get together, the conversation inexorably trends towards kids and husbands. At the end of the shower, four of us stayed late to help clean up.
All four of us are roughly the same age. One is a mother of 4, one is a mother of 3, one is a mother of 2, and I’m a mother of 0. So of course the conversation turned towards me. It was the usual litany of:
- Yue, when are you planning having children, you are missing the best thing in life
- Yue, you are selfish for not considering having kids
- Yue, you love money too much, that’s why you are working, money doesn’t buy happiness
- Work is meaningless, it won’t give you the joy that kids do
- Look at us, we are so lucky that we don’t have to work
No matter how many times I hear such comments, they still make me feel awful.
Most people don’t seem to understand that not all women want to be stay-at-home moms. I know for a fact I would hate it.
Growing up, my mother had a full time career and my parents fully expected me to have one also - with or without children. I work because I love it. I love it because:
- Its an intellectual challenge - every day brings something new at work and I wouldn’t give up for anything in the world. What’s unfair is that males are expected to think this way, but if females do then they are somehow misguided or missing out on life.
- It gives me financial independence. I would never willing become financially dependent on anyone - even if my husband was a billionaire. Life changes - people die, people get divorced, etc. I want to be in charge of my own destiny at all times.
- At most importantly its a large part of my self-worth.
Right now I am reading a great book called the “Feminine Mistake” by Leslie Bennetts. One of the main points of the book is that women are constantly told its too difficult to balance family life with a career. Being a working women is difficult - there are many frustrations at work and its hard to compete against men. As a result, many women “opt out” of working. As part of the book, Ms. Bennetts interviewed many of these women, and they usually said the major reason for their decision was to serve the needs of their husband and children.
In addition, many claim their husbands prefer them staying at home. Which I find ironic, because most of the stay-at-home moms I know spend very little time at home. They are usually shopping, going to the gym, having lunch with other moms, volunteering, taking their kids to activities, etc.
Unfortunately its a risky choice for a women to depend on another person. Today they are more women in America living without a husband than with one. And we all know how high the divorce rate is. Most of stay-at-home moms refuse to even think of the possibility.
At the end, I think there are trade off made from stay-at-home mom and career mom. I don’t see myself to be stay-at-home mom anytime soon.
Yue,
This is a tough topic. We have two kids. Five months ago I quit my job. It was a combination of hating the job and feeling like I was doing my kids a dis-service.
When we first had Elliot I was asked if I’d be staying home. I replied that I am a better mom because I work. And, as it turns out - I was right. Kids are bored. I’m looking for work. But I am being much more choosy than before.
I think there’s a difference amongst SAHM (stay at home moms). I am not out lunching with my friends, dropping kids off at playdates & classes; our lifestyle doesn’t allow for that without me working. But there is a whole sub-culture of moms & kids that are constantly on-the-go. We’re just not among them.
Staying home has been good for me, for us. I’ve realized that I *like* working. I like the challenges. I like having something that is just mine. And I don’t think that’s selfish. Me being happy means the rest of the family is happy too.
You’re the only one that knows what’s good for you. And I don’t think it’s selfish not to want to have kids. It’s your life - you’re the one that has to live it.
Staying home to raise your own children has nothing to do with affordibility. It’s about priorities. When you say that women are lucky to be able to stay home because their husbands have good jobs you’ve missed the boat.
If raising your own children is a priority you will MAKE it happen. My husband and I bend over backward so I can stay home. It’s not about luck, or money. We don’t have much money. But it’s our priority. Therefore it’s happening. Think about it. People DO what they want to do. Period. The “oh, we just can’t afford it” line of bologna is nothing more than a convenient cop out for those who don’t REALLY have their children as a priority.
It’s sad a day when women are judged by other women for choices they’ve made. Suggesting that a mom that works outside the house do not have their children as a priority is unfortunate, at best. Shannon, you cannot know the priorities of other women. It could be that working outside the home allows a family to keep food on the table. Or allows a dad not to have to work 2 jobs so the family can spend time together.
I’m glad you’re happy & fulfilled with your decisions. It’s not that easy for everyone. Lots of women struggle. Whether they’re at home not adding to the family’s financial future or dropping their kids off at daycare on their way to the office.
i don’t know how i end up in your blog… Still it is an intersting mail ! What i found very surprising is that you are talking about having children before thinking of finding the right men for that !
It is not surprising if so many women divorce if the only thing they expecting children before partnership from a men. Children are not an equipment for a looking-like perfect life !
I am the father of 2 and i can tell you that for the first year it is really a shame not to enjoy your small children at 100 %. This time does not last and whatever “equal” mens and womens can be, the mother comes at first…
Looking like an attractive person (independant, intellectual and so on) does not mean you are a good partner for someone to give you children.. you really miss the point !
Yue - you totally have the right man. You could only do better if Peter were available
Hi Catherine,
Thank you very much for your comments. I am glad that your decision of leaving work really works for you and your family. It’s not an easy job, I admire you for that.
Yue
Hi Yue,
I happened to chance upon your blog site.
I am a stay home mum and sometimes I do doubt whether I might be better off working and bringing more income to the family. Personally, I feel that the child’s first 4 years of his life is an important phase. However having said that, I do think one can judge how good a mum is by her working or not. Do what your heart feels and what you are comfortable with. That is what that matters.
Oops realised, I typed wrongly. What I meant is one CANNOT judge how good a mum is by her staying home or not.
I just happened on to your blog. Do your own thing. When you look into the mirror, you see yourself. You don’t see these mothers who think their way is the only way. You may want kids someday and maybe you won’t. That’s what makes the world go round. I had 4 kids and stayed home with them. It was right for me. My best friend had no kids and worked. We both were faced with divorce and she ended up way better off than I did. Do what works for you and don’t worry one bit about the ones who don’t agree!
Claudia